I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD
by bateemma416
Summary: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 11 SO, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THEN DON'T READ. Sam heads back to the bunker by himself and is determined to reunite with Dean by any means necessary. NO CHARACTER DEATH!
1. Chapter 1

Hey everybody!

OKAY IF YOU HAVENT SEEN THE END OF SEASON 11 AND DON'T WANT ANY SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ.

(AU) Sam thinks Dean is dead and when he heads back to the bunker alone. Now depressed he's willing to do almost anything to reunite with Dean.

NO CHARACTER DEATH!

 _Thoughts are italicized_

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNS

Sam, Cass, Crowley, and Rowena walked out of the bar and took a look up in the sky at the sun. Sam knew exactly what this meant and with that though he turned and got into the impala and drove back to the bunker so he could be with his own thoughts.

When he got to the bunker he slammed the door shut and threw his duffle over the railing, wincing when he heard it slam to the ground. He walked down the stairs counting each as he went down until he got to the bunker floor and then went straight for Deans bedroom. When he reached Deans bedroom door he had to take a second to collect himself before reaching out and turning the doorknob and pushing the door open.

Sam walked into Deans bedroom and sat down on the edge of the unmade bed, he grabbed the pillow and gave it a hug and smelled it. He then put the pillow back on his bed and made the bed to military grade before turning off the light and closing the door. Sam then went to his bedroom and grabbed a book nobody but himself knew about and went out to the library. He set the book down on the table and started going through each page. This book was not the first one Sam had and it wasn't going to be the last either. Sam from the age of 10 and up had kept detailed notes of everything that happened each day. Minus when he wasn't able. When the day's notes were over he went through and thought of things he did each day that he could have done better or how awful he was that day. It started out being helpful but it quickly turned into self-loathing comments about himself.

It got particularly bad when Dean got hurt. One night in particular was one of the worst in the book, the night Dean got ripped to shreds by the hellhound. The page was warped from tears and blood, blood Sam spilled from himself on purpose. It was his fault Dean went to hell, had he had a better reaction time Dean wouldn't have had to go to hell in the first place. That was the night Sam began cutting himself, he needed some control in his life and cutting gave him that. He was able to control how many cuts he made, how deep and how much blood he was willing to spill. Dean of course never found out about this and Sam would never, ever tell him about it.

DEAN

Dean rolled onto his back and had to stretch when he was able to get onto his feet. He looked around him and noticed everything was dark.

 _What time is it?_

"HELP!" Dean heard a voice he never thought he was ever going to hear again.

"Mum?" Dean questioned

Dean started running towards where the voice was coming from and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw who was standing in front of him.

"Who are you?" Mary asked

"Mum, it's me. Dean." Dean said

Mary took a cautious step backwards.

"M-my Dean is 4 years old." Mary said

"You were the night you died." Dean said

Mary looked down for a moment as her memories started to come back. When she looked back up Dean had let a few tears fall.

"How long have I… been dead?" Mary asked hesitantly

"33 years." Dean said

"Where's Sammy?" Mary asked

"I don't know and he probably thinks I'm dead so we need to go and find him." Dean said motioning towards the parking lot.

"Why does he think you're dead?" Mary asked

"It's quite a long story and I'll explain later." Dean said

Dean walked over to one of the 2 cars sitting in the parking lot, he was gleeful when it was unlocked and once he was able to get it started Mary got in and he pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards the bunker.

SAM

Sam was now finished writing the latest entry into his journal and closed it leaving it on the table in the library.

 _It's not like anyone's going to find out about it now._

Sam got up and went into the kitchen and grabbed one of the smaller but quite sharp knives. He brought it into the library and then opened his journal and ripped out a piece of paper. He grabbed the pen from the table and started writing.

 _Letter_

 _Thanks for always being there Cass it truly means a lot. I am going to see Dean now._

 _Sam_

Sam left it on the table so Cass would be able to see it.

He took off his jacket and sweater to reveal his grey t-shirt, his wrists were marked with past and present scars. Some of which were still healing. Sam grabbed the knife and brought it up to his wrist and started cutting upwards until a lot of blood started spilling, then Sam did the same to his other arm. He looked down at his wrists and decided that he didn't want to die in the library. He wanted to die close to Dean.

Sam got up and started walking towards Deans bedroom. His vision had started to fade in and out and he knew that he didn't have much time before he passed out. He was able to make it to Deans room swinging the door open with a thud let him know he had arrived. He grabbed the pillow as he had before and let his body float into unconsciousness. SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNS

See I could be mean and stop here but I have too much time on my hands today.

Always full of surprises.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNS

DEAN

Dean pulled up outside of the bunker and grabbed a spare key that was stashed in the impala that was also parked out front. Dean walked up to the front of the door and got a feeling that something wasn't right. He entered with Mary following, he stopped however when he looked down and saw the trail of blood leading out of the library towards the bedrooms.

"Please tell me that's not Sam's" Mary said

"I'm really hoping it isn't but I can't guarantee anything. It's been quite a rough ride for both of us since Dad died." Dean said

"John's dead?" Mary asked

"For a while now, yes. Sorry." Dean said

"Let's just make sure nobody else dies." Mary said

Dean nodded and walked down the rest of the stairs and into the library, he scanned the table and saw the knife, a journal and a note. Dean went for the journal and Mary went for the note.

"Dean we need to find Sammy and fast. Listen to this, Thanks for always being there Cass it truly means a lot. I am going to see Dean now.

\- Sam" Mary read

"Dammit Sam!" Dean said

Dean got up and started running, Mary again just behind him. They stopped when the trail led into Dean's bedroom. Dean looked up and Saw Sam curled up with a pool of blood on the bed, Sam was clutching on to Dean's pillow for dear life.

"Wrap something around his wrists!" Mary yelled trying to get Dean out of his trance

Dean went over to his dresser grabbing a few shirts and throwing a few to Mary. They got his wrists wrapped and Dean ran out as fast as he could to the medical wing. He ran back with 2 needles that were connected and put one in his arm and one in Sam's.

"Sorry this is how you got to meet him." Dean said tears staining his face.

"You have a suture kit down here?" Mary asked

"Uh…yeah in my dresser. Bottom drawer." Dean said

"I was a hunter at one point ya know." Mary said shooting Dean a smile.

"Sorry it's just hard to get used to this." Dean said

"No worries." Mary said

Mary stitched up Sam's arm and went to get another needle so Dean didn't drain himself dry. She sat down and moved closer so she could run her fingers through Sam's hair in only a way a mother could.

"Oh Sammy. My little Sammy." Marry said under her breath

Once Dean was convinced that Sam had gotten enough blood in him he started to move him while Mary got the bloody bedding off of Deans bed. Dean got Sam into his desk chair and wheeled him to his own room and put him under the covers and Mary tucked him in. They left Sam and went back to the library.

"I'll get this cleaned up. I don't know if you're hungry but the kitchen is fully stocked if you'd like anything." Dean offered

"I think I'm just going to see what Sammy was writing in this journal." Mary said

"Sounds like a plan to me." Dean said

Dean went down a hallway to grab a mop and bucket and Mary grabbed the book and braced herself for what she was about to read.

Mary opened the front cover and the only thing on the front page was 'Sam' written in black ink.

 _This was not how I wanted to meet him. I hope this will give me some answers._

Mary flipped the page and started at the top of the page and noticed that 'Book 20' was written on the top. Meaning that there were more books exactly like this one, well 19 others to be exact. Dean walked back into the library with a bucket and mop. He went and stated mopping without saying anything to Mary.

"Dean do you know if Sam has a place where he stores his books?" Mary asked

"He has entire locked shelf over there. Why do you ask?" Dean wondered

"It says here this is book 20. So there must be 19 others." Mary said

"You're welcome to go in. I'm sure you can pick a lock." Dean said

"That I can do." Mary said going over once dean through her his lock pick set

Mary had the locked shelf open in no time and took no time grabbing the 19 other journals just like the one that was on the table. She then went back to the shelf and noticed a bigger book sitting at the side, Mary grabbed it and wiped off the dust.

"Dean come and look at this." Mary said

Dean propped the mop in the bucket against the wall and went to sit down beside Mary.

"Okay so from what I've been reading this book is filled with lines, like a teacher would make kid in detention write. Anytime he would do something he thought was wrong he would fill a page front and back with well for example this one 'I will not complain to Dean when I am hurt.' But it starts to get really dark like this one here. 'Nearly got Dean killed today, one cut for every line.' But it gets happy when he starts writing about someone named Jessica, this one says 'Made Jessica breakfast in bed today, excited for the long weekend.' Whose Jess?" Mary showed Dean

"Jessica Moore was Sam's girlfriend, they lived together while Sam was at Stanford and I went to go and get him to try and find Dad and when we got back Jessica was pinned to the ceiling and burned alive just like you were. Sam wasn't moving from the bed when I ran in and I basically had to drag him out of their apartment. She most likely caught him doing the latter and made him stop. I honestly don't know how I didn't notice this going on." Dean said

Before Mary was able to get a word in edgewise they heard what could only be Sam trying and failing to get up after falling on the floor. Mary and Dean ran to Sam's bedroom and ran right to Sam's side so they could get him back on the bed. Once they got Sam back on the bed he wiped his eyes looked up and instinctively jumped back almost falling off the other side of the bed.

"NO, no, no. You're dead." Sam said bringing his hands up to his head

"Sam Amara brought Mum back. I didn't have to kill h-" Dean said

But before Dean could finish his sentence Sam jumped up and ran to the bathroom locking the door behind him.

"Sammy come on. Please just let us in." Dean pleaded

"Please make it stop. Lucifer just make it stop." Sam said from in the bathroom

"What does he mean Dean?" Mary asked

"Well a few years back the apocalypse was nigh and Sam threw himself who was possessed by Lucifer into Lucifer's cage so he apocalypse wouldn't happen. While he was down in the cage he was tortured by Lucifer. Then a few years later Sam started having hallucinations of Lucifer to the point where he took some drugs from a dealer so he could get some sleep, and got hit by a car and put into a mental facility for a while." Dean explained

"So Sammy stopped the world from ending?" Mary questioned

"On multiple occasions, yes. Now I have an idea on how to get him grounded. If you can pick the lock I can use the scar on his hand like I did when he was hallucinating Lucifer. I doubt that it'll work but it's worth a shot." Dean said

Mary picked the lock in on time flat and Dean rush in and grabbed Sam's hands and sat on the floor in front of him. Dean grabbed the hand with the scar and with his other hand got Sam to look him in the eyes.

"Hey Sammy." Dean said pressing into the scar

Sam immediately looked down and tried to pull his hand away but the grip Dean had on his hand was starting to calm him down a little bit. Sam looked back up at Dean now with tears streaming down his face.

"D-dean?" Sam questioned

"In the flesh buddy. And that's Mum." Dean said pointing to Mary standing behind Dean.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everybody!

OKAY IF YOU HAVENT SEEN THE END OF SEASON 11 AND DON'T WANT ANY SPOILERS THEN DON'T READ.

(AU) Sam thinks Dean is dead and when he heads back to the bunker alone. Now depressed he's willing to do almost anything to reunite with Dean.

Thanks for staying around for this 2-parter.

NO CHARACTER DEATH!

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNS

 **Sam immediately looked down and tried to pull his hand away but the grip Dean had on his hand was starting to calm him down a little bit. Sam looked back up at Dean now with tears streaming down his face.**

" **D-dean?" Sam questioned**

" **In the flesh buddy. And that's Mum." Dean said pointing to Mary standing behind Dean.**

SNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNSNS

Sam didn't know how to deal with the information he had just been given and on top of that he just remembered what he had done earlier and looked down at his now bandaged wrists.

"Oh my god Dean. What did I do. Oh my god." Sam said starting to freak out again

This time Mary bent down and let Dean take a breather.

"Hey. Hey Sammy. Dean and I patched you up, you're going to be fine. How about we get something to eat." Mary suggested

"Alright." Sam said

Mary helped Sam get up off of the floor and Dean went ahead before Sam saw and did a quick clean of the remaining blood that was on the floor before meeting them in the kitchen. Mary and Sam came in not much later and Mary had her head on Sam's shoulder and was leading him to sit down. Once Mary had Sm seated she went into the kitchen and helped Dean make some sandwiches.

"Has he ever done this before? Like shut down?" Mary asked in whispers

"When his girlfriend Jess died, he shut down for a bit and then he started acting erratic. Took him sometime to get back to somewhat normal. Or whatever our normal happens to be." Dean said

"What did you do to snap him out of it?" Mary asked

"I nearly got killed on a hunt. That pretty much did it. I know for a fact that he thinks he's a failure, sometimes when were in bed I can hear him talking to himself about how everyone around him dies. Anytime I would try to talk about it with him he would deny everything and change topics." Dean said

"God I missed so much with you boys." Mary said

"He needs you now more than ever, just being here has raised his spirits. Other than that all we can do is give him time. When he is ready we can get him to talk." Dean said

"Well then lets at least get some food into him and see if he wants to talk." Mary said

Dean grabbed the plate with the sandwiches and started walking back into the library with Mary in tow. Dean sat down beside Sam while Mary sat across.

"How's about we get some food into ya." Dean suggested

Sam didn't say anything, but he reached his arm out grabbing a sandwich eating it ever so cautiously. Dean and Mary were staring without noticing.

"You don't have to stare at me. I'm not going to explode." Sam said

"Brother you gave us a scare. We are just worried." Dean said

"Is this the 'I want you to talk' chat?" Sam asked

"Your brother and I are just trying to make sure you're okay." Mary said putting a hand on Sam's

"I just couldn't deal with being alone again. I assume you found all of my journals and books, then you know how long this has been going on. Yes, I stopped when I was with Jess because she helped me through it. I couldn't burden Dean with yet another one of my problems, it just wouldn't have been right. But after Jess died I just fell off the rails again. I was done living at that point, everyone I loved was dead so why did I deserve to live. I couldn't go back to Amelia because we had a deal so I just got overwhelmed." Sam said looking down and wringing his hands

"Sam, with the amount of times we have both died. I know how helpless it can feel when the person you look to most is gone. Talk to someone next time. It could have been Crowley for all I care. But please don't keep it bottles up inside because it never leads to anything good." Dean said

"I missed an amount of time with you boys that I will never be able to get back. But now that I am here and I am seeing first hand how you two are there for each other, it makes me smile. I know that the bond between you is unbreakable. I hope you will allow me in and let me get to know you more." Mary said

"I can tell you for sure now. I am not going anywhere for a very long time." Sam said

Dean let a few tears of relief fall and enveloped Sam in a hug. Once Sam got up and reciprocated the hug Mary joined in.

"I don't know what I would have done with myself had you not been okay Sammy." Dean said

"You would have made a deal with some other supernatural creature, like you did the first time." Sam said

"You're probably right, and I wouldn't change my decision ever." Dean said

"Thank-you." Mary said

"Thanks for what Mum?" Dean asked

"For taking such good care of eachother. I couldn't have asked for better sons." Mary said


End file.
